Professional Heartbreak

Recently I found myself experiencing heartbreak again in the professional area of my life. 

I was ending an endeavor that stemmed from tragedy but birthed beauty. It was and is a labor of love. It literally and figuratively broke my heart. Untangling the webs of emotions, business,  and everything that lives between these spaces was and is a process of learning what to let go of and what to fight for. 

Heartbreak. Be it romantic connections, life-long friendships, or professional relationships, when you are in the throes of heartbreak you can feel it, deeply, with your entire being. Whenever I am in heartbreak I am transported back to a smell, a piece of music, a location, a phrase that was uttered, and what I was wearing. 

There is research to explain what actually happens to us hormonally, what is triggered in your brain, and“results confirmed that social rejection and physical pain are rooted in exactly the same regions of the brain”.* Love can parallel “addiction on a par with cocaine and nicotine. Much as we think of “heartbreak” as a verbal expression of our pain or say we “can’t quit” someone, these are not actually artificial constructs—they are rooted in physical realities. How wonderful that science, and specifically images of our brains, should reveal that metaphors aren’t poetic flights of fancy.”

I gave in and owned: I am heartbroken. I needed to heal this part of me the same way I would with any other heartbreak. Part of me wanted to get in bed under the sheets and not have to go through all of this process again. I am over heartbreak. I don’t want to learn any more lessons. I felt like the universe has already given me a PHD in Life Lessons. I was tired. I was sad. I was angry at myself for my choice. I knew I had to go there and feel all the shit that goes with it. 

I just had to be in the right space. I gave myself time and grace to get there. 

I disconnected to reconnect to myself.

Nature has always been my healer and where I find true peace, acceptance, and forgiveness.

My husband and I took an 8-day pack trip to our happy place in the hills of Wyoming. We served as cooks for the trip, expected to shop for, prepare the meals, and clean the dishes for 14 people!  As we packed our saddle bags and loaded the gear and food on the mules, the smell and sound of leather straps, the sun bearing down from the wide-open blue Wyoming sky coupled with the breeze that brought a small reprieve from the heat and the dust comforted me like a magic nature blanket. As I looked at the mountain peaks and heard the excitement of the dogs and the horse and mules' braying I felt the weight of life starting to shed from me. 

My body and posture melted, and my guard was down emotionally as my senses began to sprout and take over. I was yet again gobsmacked by nature's majesty and brutality and how small we really are in comparison. How absolutely alive that makes you feel. How every sound of the mule's tail swoosh, dusty trail, hummingbird, breeze, smell and sight of wildflowers, burnt trees with the new growth of fireweed so stark and beautiful against the burnt blackness. How absolutely magical it is to experience nature in any way!

How none of the bullshit I had been dealing with mattered in the larger scope of my life. I am usually pretty good at reminding myself of that and as I am human and needed to give myself grace for allowing all of it to try and embed itself into my sacred places.

The choices we make, and how we separate and balance professional and personal issues, and a part of life, worked to take root in all my sacred spaces. Spaces that I am learning to guard more fiercely. It is interesting that as I began to shed some of the shit, a judgmental moment/feeling arose: I was disappointed in myself that I let this get that deep because I know better...or should know better. Not taking my own advice!

There, in the middle of the Wyoming backcountry, riding a mule, and getting bitten by a million mosquitos, I found myself back on the self-forgiveness journey- this time it was the realization that I chose to stay in a bad situation for too long, in the hopes for a change.

My emotions were so tied to this it clouded the boundaries I set. As always, learning to love all of myself. I must admit, I don’t love the say be a” better version of myself”, but rather give love to all of me; the parts that aren’t as nourished as they should while learning to re-frame how I see them and voice them. Acceptance that all of me is worthy and deserving of love and compassion. I am as far from perfect as anyone I know and have met, and I am ok with this as long as I am growing, learning, being open to all that is good, and having the freedom to be.

Our journey started near Cody, Wyoming, on Shoshone National Forest and ended 70 miles later on the Bridger-Teton National Forest, returning to civilization at a place called Turpin Meadows,  with the magnificent Tetons looming large to the west. All I could think about was a shower, a nice meal, and a martini. I was nourished in only the way nature can fill you and transform. Every step my mule, Ellie, took along that 70-mile journey, I let go of all that was not serving me. I relished the simplicity of having to only keep track of where we camped, what we eat, and what the weather and the “stock” were doing. The freedom to go places few people have an opportunity to see… where you have to work your ass off to get there. The gratefulness of being so tired and sore that getting off the mule and tying a quick-release knot on the lead rope was an accomplishment that brought such joy. Finding the nearest spring or river to go wash off the days' dust, sun, and dander made you feel completely whole and satisfied.

I could have stayed forever. I knew I did not want to be as connected to everything in this modern world as you need to be if you want a business to be “successful”. So I had to reset and redefine what success and fulfillment really mean to me:  What do I want to give away and how do I invest in myself and nourish my emotional self before anything else and set boundaries to honor what is possible?

Healing is a journey, and I left the woods at least ready to heal from this heartbreak. Can I honestly say I am over this recent professional debacle? Close but not fully. I am grounded in knowing what I want and what I don’t want. I am fiercely aware of what truly matters to me and will guard it as forcefully as a Viking warrior. I have started on the path to healing by forgiving myself for my choice. 

As is typical in my life, I seem to learn a lot of good lessons the hard way, but celebrate that and trust that it will bring a deeper perspective on the next steps and how I lead and guide. 

I am excited and ready and available for what will be. It has been another brutally beautiful lesson.

Heather Zoccali

*The Little Book of Heartbreak: Love Gone Wrong Through the Ages (Plume, 2012).