The weight of grief drags me down,

Grief has been a constant shapeshifting companion.

With each passing day, it only grows stronger.

It's not just the big losses that leave me broken,

But the countless little losses that add up over time.

In a purposeful decision to disconnect, I chose to power down, allowing myself the space to confront and absorb the intricacies of life's offerings. The loss of my mother, coupled with the passing of my father three years ago, has cast me into the role of a "retired child." Within this unique space, I've grappled with a blend of emotions—experiencing relief and freedom interwoven with the poignant sorrow of unrealized possibilities. It's a nuanced mix, and I've granted myself the time to sit with and understand it.

“I embraced it, cherished it, for it was a part of who I was. Amid the darkness, I discovered a flicker of light—a creative fire that burned within me. Through the void, I found my voice, art, and purpose. I channeled the discord into words, painting vivid pictures with my thoughts and creating a world where I was not cursed but possessed a gift.”

May 12, 2023, last Friday afternoon, marked the departure of my mother from this earthly realm to her new abode, wherever that may be. In this moment of reflection, I earnestly hope that she finds the peace that eluded her throughout her existence.

Caregivers are a vastly underutilized resource in the workplace. Born out of necessity, caregivers are skilled in project management and effective communication; they are solution-oriented problem solvers with incredible work ethic and efficiency; they understand networking, logistics, and operations and combine this understanding with empathy, adaptability, and humor.

I made a choice that day to set boundaries on what level of care I was going to give and what I could not give. Some may read that and think, “It is your mother!”, but I had to find a balance for my health. This was so incredibly freeing for me. I made a choice to keep myself and my family safe.

“There, in the middle of the Wyoming backcountry, riding a mule, and getting bitten by a million mosquitos, I found myself back on the self-forgiveness journey- this time it was the realization that I chose to stay in a bad situation for too long, in the hopes for a change.”

Photo by: Heather Zoccali